Curiosity First

Asking Questions That Open Space in Conflict

Have you ever braced for impact when entering into a conflict? This is a natural response. We want to protect ourselves and prepare to defend our perspectives or stances.

But what if the first step into conflict was curiosity?

How do we cultivate curiosity? By asking powerful questions.

In my ombuds practice, I’ve noticed a consistent thread when difficult conversations are on the horizon: asking meaningful, open-ended questions can soften defensiveness–my own and that of others. Hospitable questions can also lead to discovery–of hidden assumptions, layered truths, and shared meanings waiting to be uncovered.

Here are some strategies for cultivating curiosity when conflict arises:

Pause before reacting

What might emerge if, instead of jumping in with an explanation or defense, I asked myself: What might I not yet understand or know about this person’s experience?

These small pauses can open space where listening takes the lead.

Lead with wonder

Conflict can become transformative conversation when we ask questions like:

• “Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling?”
• “What matters most to you in this situation?“
• “What do you hope I will understand about your perspective?”

Embracing wonder shows a willingness to see and hear more deeply.

Notice what you are not asking

Some questions create discomfort, yet they often lead to new insights:

• “Is there sometime I’ve done–or not done–that impacts how you feel?”
• “How can we work together to move forward, even if we don’t agree 100%?”

Open and authentic questions–the ones we sometimes avoid–may hold a key to healing or next steps.

Let silence be a partner in the conversation

Silence has something to tell us. We may discover important wisdom when we resist the urge to fill every space with words. Sometimes, pauses are where understanding begins.

Curiosity creates space where we can hear ourselves and each other with more openness and insight. It takes courage and compassion to embody curiosity in the midst of conflict. But the surprises and possibilities that emerge may be worth the risk.

An invitation

This week, try starting a difficult or uncertain conversation with a question instead of a statement. Perhaps you will discover new possibilities as you begin with curiosity.